This is what's going to happen~~

This is what's going to happen:

My mother is going to get her test results on June 18th, but before then I'm going to be a little turd.  My living space is, shall we say artistically in disarray.  The old saying about cleanliness in my mid-20's was that, as long as the center table stays clean all else is fine.  That was one of the challenges living in those cute little Brooklyn Brownstone apartments.  It was like a Salvation Army Store, every one of them had years of wear and tear, a bit of grit, and dust was always going to be there... how can I say this?  One of the only things symmetrical about it was the first shaving stroke, the cat purring on the bookshelf, and then boarding the B38 bus at exactly 5:32AM  The cheese was always so sweet at the end.

What about now?  I used to write letters, still do but not as often, to my mother.  I'd send one's written in abstract calligraphy strokes about life in NY, Brooklyn and Hyde Park.  You'd think it was written by a 13th Century monk copying the bible.  The message was always simple.  But even then, she knew that I never liked living in Florida.  I was never going to go back.  She knows this.   

I was driving with my brother one night.  The damn GPS sputtering out directions in 한국어- Seoul dong is so huge.  Heading due north towards Namsan Seoul tower, he was struck by the glamor of the city lights.  I thought of the humdrum of the Q-train at the peak of the Manhattan overpass.  Midnight Cityscapes makes an imprint.  And although there's a new buzzword called light pollution, it still fascinates the child within us all.  Meanwhile, I mention the only thing that keeps our lifestyle flexible is the fact that we don't have a child.  We talk about ma's condition and the things we can do to help, financially.  It's not easy talking to him about how she feels right now, because everything I say he immediately offers a quick solution.  That's the way he is...

To my dear friends:
Big daddy B is going to have a baby next month.
Jilly J just went through a divorce.
Strike Mike is in the square of NYC filling his slide with bills and then...

I still think about L at times...  she's gone Don, k?

It's going to rain the next few days.  My legs have developed a muscle vein that you can see run from the lower part of my calf up to my front thigh.  Muscle veins are all over my body, and hidden muscles are springing up.  These veins are my tattoos.  I'm a walking map in the shower.  I'm dodging jabs in the mirror, and I'm feeling stronger than I ever have, physically.  I've learned to like squatting.  I hold the world on my shoulders and more, and with an exhale a burst of power erupts from God knows where. 

I'm looking for love.  I don't know how much longer I can take being alone and not doing what I want to do.

So this is what's going to happen~~  This is a dip.  Even if mom is diagnosed with MS she is going to live with people that love her.  It's more important that she knows you are happy, and it would only be more of a burden on her if she knows that she is a burden on you.  You know that she has always been an independent woman- defiant.  She earned money while attending the Teaching University in Legaspi, Philippines selling U.S. goods.  She's industrious, quick, and beautiful.  She's old now.  She's slowly becoming debilitated and this is hard to accept... accept it.